1/11/2024 0 Comments A healing reviewAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. GibsonThe Book in 3 Sentences
General Impressions This book was exceedingly helpful to me in identifying behaviors that I was getting triggered by in other people including my parents and not knowing why I was feeling so reactive. It also helped to explain some of my feelings and interactions with others in terms of craving emotional closeness as a consequence of emotional neglect and having parents that were exceedingly consumed in their own problems growing up. The other powerful component in this book other than recognizing emotionally immature behavior was reading the list of how emotionally mature people react and act in varying circumstances vs emotionally immature people. It is also important to recognize that emotionally immature parents can fall under 4 main categories. Emotionally immature parents can also fall under multiple categories and also the behaviors and characteristics can exist on a spectrum. Personally, my parent displayed characteristics in the emotional and passive categories. Who should read it? Everyone and anyone who suspects that they or their parents exhibit challenges in their relationships as a result of emotional immaturity. How the Book Changed Me I’m not as hurt that the people that I can recognize as emotionally immature behave the way that they do. For example, when these people do not show interest in my life. They seem to only want to share and focus on what they are going through because they are so self-involved. They are not curious about me at all and so these relationships lack reciprocity. Also, a child growing up in this environment with parents that are emotionally immature has to become so observant of the emotional status of others because they never know what they will get; completely withdrawn, highly reactive, or engaged. It is like hot and cold all the time. There is a lack of consistency from a lack of emotional stability. A child in this environment has to walk on eggshells and become very aware of the emotions of others. A child growing up in this environment will often chose what feels normal to them in their adult relationships, however the desire to become emotionally close to someone remains paramount if closeness was withheld and distance was maintained. This can put them in tricky situations in which they are taken advantage of and maybe don’t exactly know how to maintain healthy boundaries with people. I found myself also seeing some behaviors of my own that were a result of growing up in this environment. I find that I fall under the withdrawn type of behavior often. This is simply self preservation and protection. Sometimes emotional closeness can be scary. Especially after experiencing people seeking emotional closeness only for their own ulterior motives and betraying trust. Emotionally I was relied upon too much as a child. Too many big adult things were put on me as a child to the point where I felt I was in a parental role of emotionally caring for and protecting my parent. What was even more damaging to this relationship was when I grew older and needed emotional support it was not reciprocated and in fact I felt completely abandoned and neglected and uncared for. I was there for them as a child, giving up my childhood to support the adult through challenging times and what I learned what that I could not also rely on others and it was all built on a false sense of security and closeness. The closeness existed purely for their benefit. I apparently had to learn this again to really get it into my head that I needed to have better boundaries. Later on in my life I found myself constantly there for someone who seemed to really need the emotional support and friendship. I found myself really craving the emotional closeness because it was something that I didn’t have. Now that I have been through relationships with emotionally immature people, I am less trusting. I don’t necessarily believe people when they say nice things to me because I assume they are trying to gain some sort of closeness to me for their own benefit the relationship will lack reciprocity. I really think very few people are authentic in their words to me unless I have loads of evidence supporting their true intentions. My parents were too wrapped up in their own relationship drama to be there for me at all. I was an after thought. As evidenced by their total lack of involvement in my life. The capable child that could take care of anything. Super independent and seemingly successful at everything. And also, exceedingly painfully lonely without even being able to recognize what the feeling actually was. I didn’t even know that what I needed was authentic emotional closeness that was not predicated off of someone else’s need to exploit my caring empathetic nature. Awareness is just the beginning. I think I need to post a list of the behaviors of emotionally mature people to remind myself daily what to strive for in myself, as well as how to recognize the lack of emotionally maturity in others so I don’t take it so personally. It’s still painful. My only involved parent has no interest in my children and rarely calls or asks how I am or is interested in me or my life at all. Still consumed in relationship drama and toxic relationships just like it was all along; I have given up even hoping for the reciprocity that I have always wanted. I have conceded the fact that they are incapable of seeing beyond themselves to build meaningful relationships with their children in their later years. On the flipside, I have experienced how emotionally mature people with true intentions of mutual love and respect handle relationships and how different that feels. Specifically in my own marriage. I feel that my partner is blessed to have had a healthier upbringing and I have been able to experience a healthier emotional connection through him. We are not co-dependent, but we are emotionally bonded through time and experience and love. I know what to look for now and how to recognize emotional maturity and not feel as though it is my fault and that I am responsible for someone else’s emotional well-being; especially my parent’s emotional well-being. The role reversal that occurs with these types of parents can steal your childhood. Constantly feeling emotionally responsible for the unhappiness in their lives sets a dangerous precedent. My sister said something that may very well be true she said that she had often thought that “we are here to be a witness for her life, more so than she was ever to be a witness for our lives.” While this is a sad statement, I certainly don't feel as through my parent has the ability to be interested or involved in her children's lives because they are far too consumed with their own turmoil. This has not changed since I was a child, nor do I foresee a change unfortunately. People are the products of their environment largely. I really would like to move past that this year more into a healing space. A space of recognition, compassion, understanding, empathy, and grace for myself and others. Characteristics of Emotionally Immature People
The list goes on… Characteristics of Emotionally Mature People
I hope this is helpful to someone. I know that for me it is important to be reminded of healthy relationship characteristics especially knowing how unhealthy some of the dynamics were in the environment I grew up in and was accustomed to. All we can do is build awareness and move forward.
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